Naraku and the Big Spider
by lady-warrioress
Summary: Naraku faces his worst fear. SPIDERS! EVERYONE BASHING! ONESHOT!


_**!WARNING!**_

_This fic was not written to offend anyone. This fic was just done because a crazy fangirl was bored and couldn't think of anything else to write. If it offends you it won't be the writer's fault. Boredom is to blame._

_Just to warn you now. Everyone is going to be slightly or majorly Out Of Character. So if that bothers you you can leave now. But if you insist on reading go ahead. But please do not point out their out of characterness. I did that on purpose for humor. Just to let you know EVERYONE IN HERE GETS BASHED SLIGHTLY. Though most of the bashing is on our favorite villain. So if you hate someone say Kikyou or Kagome they will most likely be bashed slightly and you can all be happy._

One day our happy evil villian Naraku was in the garden of his big evil castle singing songs to himself and brushing out his beautiful black hair with a pink comb. "_I feel pretty, Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and GAY!" _he sang dancing amounge the flowers. _"And I pitty the girl who isn't..." _suddenly he froze in midsong and stared down at his arm in horror.

There on the sleeve of his arm was a big black spider.

"SPIDER!" he screamed waving his arm around to get it off. "EW EW EW! I HATE SPIDERS!" he began dancing around the garden, trying to remove the sticky arachnid. "GET OFF! GET OFF! GET OFF!" he wailed.

Just then Kagura walked into the garden and spotted her master (father?) running around screaming about something. "What is wrong?" she asked as he ran toward her.

"THERE IS A SPIDER ON MY ARM!" he screamed, thrusting his arm at her. "Quick! Kill it! Kill it!"

Kagura rolled her eyes. "Oh brother," she said but did as she was told. With one finger flick she sent the menacing arachnid flying.

It flew into a wall on the other side of the garden and fell to the ground. As it was picking itself up it said in a menacing voice. "You will pay for that! I'm going to tell my mommy what you have done!" then it scurried off in a huff.

"There," Kagura said to Naraku. "I got rid of miss spider."

Naraku didn't even thank her. He just went back to singing weird songs. Kagura shook her head. Her boss was a trip. She went back into the castle.

_A few minues later..._

Naraku returned to his garden and began pulling out the flowers and leaving the weeds. (Naraku hates flowers (Did you know that Kikyou is a type of flower?) because he is evil and flowers are good) He was now singing a Britanny Spears song and didn't notice a huge shadow fall over his castle. "_My loneliness is killing me, I must confess I still believe, When I'm not with you I lose my mind, Give me a sign, Hit me baby one more time!"_

All of a sudden he _was _hit but not by his 'baby' he was hit by a HUGE black spider leg. It send the evil villian flying.

"Ow!" he wailed sitting up. "Who did that?"

"I did," said a voice above him.

Naraku looked up. He saw a huge eight eyed spider with huge fangs and blood red eyes glaring at him. He also saw it was all black like the little spider that had been climbing his arm before. The little spider incidently was jumping up and down on the big spider's shoulder. "There he is, Mother!" it shouted, pointing at Naraku. "There's the big meanie now! GET HIM!"

"Yes, son!" the spider said raising a giant leg.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Naraku screamed dodging the giant spider leg and running out of the garden. "KAGURA! HELP ME!"

Kagura come out of the castle where she'd been playing the Gamecube with Kanna and Kohaku. "What does he want now?" she asked herself.

Naraku ran up to her and grabbed her shoulders. "KAGURE! YOU HAVE TO SAVE ME! A GIANT SPIDER HAS COME TO KILL ME!"

"What?" she said staring at him like he was crazy. "What big spider?"

"That big spider!" he screamed pointing over into the garden.

Kagura looked up. She saw a giant black spider coming at them. "Oh great," she said annoyed. "I'll do my best." she walked toward the spider and raised her fan.

Before she could do anything the spider picked her up in it's huge hairy legs and ate her. Naraku stared at the spider in fear then ran into the castle.

"KANNA! KOHAKU!" he shouted. "HELP ME!"

Kanna and Kohaku ran to their master's aid. "What do you want?" Kohaku asked. "I was just about to beat the last bad guy in _Shadow the Hedgehog_. Why did you have to call me now?"

"Yes, why?" Kanna asked. "And where is Kagura? She owes me 5 million dollars."

Naraku didn't have time for this. "A giant spider ate Kagura and it's after me! You have to save me! Oh, I _hate _spiders!"

Kanna and Kohaku looked at each other. "Umm giant spiders aren't our thing," Kohaku said. "Why don't you ask Team Inuyasha to help you get rid of it?"

"Good idea!" Naraku said nodding his pretty head. "Good idea!"

Suddenly the roof was pulled off the castle. "There you are, little man!" the spider hissed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Naraku screamed running out of the house.

* * *

Team Inuyasha as well as Koga, Ayame, Kikyou, and Team Sesshoumaru were all sitting in a pretty meadow eating a picnic lunch. Inuyasha was staring at Kikyou and Kagome was constantly telling him to sit so instead of looking at Kikyou he was mostly looking at mud. Kikyou wasn't very interested anyway. She was glaring at Miroku who couldn't keep his hands to himself and was trying to grope all the girl's butts. Ayame had herself permanently fused to Koga's arm but Koga was drooling over Kagome. Rin was being happy and cute and playing in the water. Jaken was just sitting around looking nervous. Kirara and Shippo were fighting over a piece of ham that had fallen out of Sesshoumaru's sandwich. Sango just sat there looking lost.

Suddenly Kikyou (Who was very bored and couldn't eat the food because she was dead and had no stomach) suggested something _very _smart. "Can we all go to hell together?" she asked staring right at Inuyasha.

"NO!" Miroku said gaping at her. "What kind of suggestion is that?"

Kikyou stared at him. "What? I was just wondering..."

"Oh, shut up," Kagome said. "Nobody wants to go to hell but you. And nobody likes you anyway so why don't you just die?"

Kikyou's eyes filled with tears. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! YOU ARE RIGHT!" she wailed, grabbing Shippo and blowing her nose in his hair. "NOBODY LOVES ME!' (I like her but remember; this fic bashes everyone)

"I love you, Kikyou," Inuyasha said, who felt bad for the poor overly hated miko, pushing his head out of the mud.

"You do not!' Kagome shouted and made Inuyasha "sit" again. "You love me! Because I am great and everyone loves me, even though I cannot really stay with you in this time and you cannot go to mine to live." (I honestly don't like Kagome but I am bashing everyone)

"He does not!" Kikyou shouted at Kagome angrily.

"Does too, clay pot!"

"Does not, slut!'

"Does too!"

"Does not!"

Kikyou got up and bitch slapped Kagome. A huge red mark appeared on her face.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Kagome shouted, grabbing Kikyou by the hair. Soon the girls were rolling on the ground, cat fighting.

Miroku stared at them. "Wow..." he said staring at Kagome's rear. "I can see right up her dress-"

Sango wacked Miroku over the head with his staff. "Stop staring, you perve!" she shouted.

Sesshoumaru stared at everyone and yawned. "This is boring. I think I'll go to sleep here.." he lay down only to get his stomach stomped on by Rin, who had very cold feet. "SESSHY, WANNA PLAY WITH ME!" she squeeled jumping up and down on his stomach.

"Stop that, Rin!" he shouted at her. "I don't want to play with you."

"But why?" she asked her eyes all teary.

"I just don't want to-"

"OW! KIRARA BIT MY ARM!" Shippo screamed running toward Kagome. "KAGOME, KIRARA BIT MY ARM!"

Shippo was suddenly flattened by the fighting Kikyou and Kagome who rolled on top of him.

Meanwhile Ayame was looking all sad at Koga who stared down at her in annoyance. "Koga, my love." she began, her voice all high pitched and gooey. "Why did you dump me when you promised to marry me all those years ago?"

"You wanna know why?" he asked. "I only told you that so you wouldn't whine."

"You DID NOT!" she shouted, angrily beating his head into the ground. "You promised to marry me! How _could _you be so_ insensitive_?"

Just then, Kirara, who had gone rabid and wanted blood, jumped at Ayame and latched her little teeth into the wolf demon's hair. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ayame screamed running around flailing her arms. "Help! Help! Koga! Help me!"

Koga, who by then had about ten _huge_ lumps on his head, sat up and started laughing. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" before he was crushed by the cat fighting Kikyou and Kagome.

Suddenly Inuyasha stood up and said. "I smell Naraku!"

Everyone froze.

"Oh boy!" Miroku said excitedly. "Now I can suck him into my Wind Tunnel!"

Sango wacked him upside the head. "Stop it, stupid!"

"What?" he asked not knowing what he had said.

Inuyasha ignored everyone and pulled out his sword. He saw Naraku running toward them. He also saw a huge black thing behind the evil villian. "So, he has brought one of his stupid demons with him," he said.

Sesshoumaru got up just then and stomped his brother to the ground. "Don't you dare hurt my darling Naraku!" he shouted.

"WHAT!" Inuyasha demanded from under his brother's foot. "Since when is he your 'darling'? I thought you hated him?"

"I don't want you to harm him because I want to harm him!" Sesshoumaru finished creating his cool poison wip thing. "I want to harm him for kidnapping my little Rin and fucking with Kagura!"

Everyone stared. "Naraku fucked Kagura?" Sango asked. "NO FAIR! I wanted him to fuck me!"

Everyone stared at her. "What?" she demanded.

Rin tugged on Sesshoumaru's sleave. "Master, what does fuck mean?" she asked.

"Well let me tell you," Miroku said popping up beside her.

"DON'T YOU DARE!" Kikyou and Kagome shouted knocking the monk over.

Inuyasha wiggled out from under his brother's foot. "INUYASHA!" Kagome shouted behind him. He looked at her. "SHUT UP!" he ordered. "Don't say anything. Yes, I already know I have a huge lump on my head. You don't have to tell me!"

Sesshoumaru kicked his brother in the butt. "Don't be rude to her," he said. "It's not her fault she's like that. Blame Jaken. He ate her brain."

"I did not!" Jaken shouted before Koga kicked him in the butt and sent him into the lake.

Inuyasha shook his head and was about to go after Naraku but the villian came toward them. His pretty face was full of fear.

"What the?" Inuyasha said staring at the demon.

Naraku flung himself at Inuyasha and grabbed him by the robe. "Inuyasha!" he pleaded. "I need you to help me!" he wailed.

Inuyasha glared at him. "Help you with what?" he demanded.

"There is like this huge spider that is after me!" Naraku exclaimed. "You have to kill it for me!"

"Why should I kill it?" Inuyasha demanded. "What will I get in return?"

"I'll give you the Sacred Jewel!" he said.

"Will you remove the Wind Tunnel from my hand?" Miroku demanded standing beside Inuyasha.

"Yes!"

"Will you return my brother?" Sango demanded.

"Yes."

"Will you stop sending giant soul eaters to come and kill me?" Kikyou snapped.

"Yes!"

"Will you," began Kagome then stopped to think. "Will you umm... dry clean my school uniformes for a year?"

"What?" Naraku asked staring at her. "Where did you come from? I never did anything to you!"

Suddenly the giant spider appeared over the mountain.

"What should we do?" Miroku asked staring at the spider.

"I dunno," Inuyasha said pretending to think it over. "Maybe we sould just let the spider eat Naraku."

"NO!" the villian screamed. "Don't do that!"

The spider came toward them.

"Let's get it!" Kagome shouted, wanting to be the hero. She ran forward and aimed her bow at the spider.

Before she could fire a shot the spider grabbed her and ate her as well.

"KAGOME!" Inuyasha shouted.

"Oh boy!" Ayame exclaimed happily dancing around. "That bitch got eaten. Now Koga will come back to me!"

Koga wapped her on the head. "Don't count on it," he said sticking his tongue out a her as well.

"You bastard!" she shouted lunging at him.

Kikyou rolled her eyes and ran at the spider. She decided to just get rid of it herself because she didn't want her souls being taken from her anymore. Just as she was about to shoot an arrow at the spider it walked past her and stomped down hard on her foot.

"YEOW!" she screamed dancing around on one foot. "OW! OW! OW!"

"KIKYOU!" Inuyasha shouted. Now he was angry. _How dare that spider! Nobody stomps on Kikyou's feet but **me**! _He ran at the spider and started to slash at it with his sword. "Take this!"

Sesshoumaru didn't want to be left out. He ran at it too and started to slash it with his poison wip. Sango got into the fight and threw her boomerange. Miroku lost his head and ran.

While everyone fought Naraku spotted a huge rock and hid behind it whimpering. Now they would all know his greatest fear. The spider. He just hoped they wouldn't be smart enough to figure it out.

_Back to the fight. _

Inuyasha wasn't having much of a time fighting the spider. His sword didn't even cut the spider at all. It didn't help that Sesshoumaru was always slashing that stupid wip in the most inapropriate times. It kept on hitting Inuyasha. "STOP THAT!" he shouted at his brother.

"Screw you!" Sesshoumaru shouted back. Sango's boomerange hit him in the head. "OW!"

"Sorry," she said.

"Yeah, I bet you are," Sesshy grumbled.

Meanwhile Shippo finally gathered some courage to be usefull for once and somehow ended up wth a bomb. He ran around in panicked circles for a bit then threw the bomb right into the spider's mouth. Inuyasha, Sango, and Sesshoumaru stared at the spider a moment. "Uh oh," Inuyasha said. "EVEREYONE DOWN!" he shouted turning to everyone else. "HIT THE DECK!"

Eveyone dived to the ground.

_KABOOM!_

Spider parts went everywhere. When everyone looked where the spider had been. All they saw was Kagura and a very messy Kagome who was covered in slobber.

"INUYASHA!" Kagome shouted getting up and running toward him. "Why didn't you save me from the spider!'

"Umm what?" he asked.

"SIT!"

_WUMP._

"Stop doing that!" Inuyasha screamed.

Naraku came out from behind the rock. "You did it," he said.

"That's right," Inuyasha said, getting up and turning toward him. "Now you have to uphold your promise."

Naraku smirked. "Did you _really _think I would do something like that?" he demanded.

"Why you!" Inuyasha shouted. "How _dare _you lie to us! After all we did!"

"It's not _my_ fault you believed me," the villian snapped. "You were the stupid one!"

"So we are stupid now are we?" Kikyou demanded.

"Ummm, yes," he told her instantly. "You are all dumb and I am great because I got you all to believe me long enough to kill the spider."

That did it.

Everyone ganged up on Naraku. Sesshy and Inuyasha brandished their swords, Sango held up her boomerange, Kikyou and Kagome aimed their bows, Rin held Jaken like a club, Shippo held up another bomb, and Miroku held his staff and fingered the beads on his Wind Tunnel. Even Kagura stood there. She was mad at him for not saving her from the spider. Naraku backed away nervously. "Now everyone..." he began.

Everyone came at him. He turned to run back was tripped by Koga and Ayame who were dog fighting on the ground but he wasn't the only one. Koga and Ayame knocked over everyone else, causing Shippo to let go of the bomb. When the bomb hit the ground it exploded. Naraku was able to get away and when the dust cleared everyone glared at Shippo.

"What?" he asked.

"Why did you have to use a bomb?" Inuyasha demanded.

The little fox demon stared at the angry people, his face turning red. "Well... I ... uh..."

"He let Naraku get away!" Sango shouted pulling out a sword. "Let's kill him instead!"

"Yeah!" everyone agreed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Shippo screamed as everyone chased him through the foot hills until his dying day.

**THE END**

_A/N_

_Well it didn't turn out like I hoped but I hope you all liked it anyway. And as you can see everyone was bashed slightly (Or at least were almost) I _warned_ you but you insisted on reading. Do not flame at me for them acting that way. I said they wouldn't be in character. It was your own fault if you read it and didn't like it. Do not blame me. You had a fair warning. _


End file.
